Heart Sickness on the Road (#2 in a series)

by Heidi

Once the intensity of my grief over losing Garrison subsided, I became obsessed with wondering about the baby that would really be ours.  Every single day I wondered if today was the day.  On Saturdays, I would listen for the phone to ring around the time we received the call for Garrison.  On weekdays, it was around 5:30 because that’s when we received the call to let us know about Gunnar.  Pretty soon I was watching the clock and hoping the phone would ring throughout the whole day.  Every day.  I had dreams regularly about getting “the call” or meeting our baby.  Not just a few of those dreams, but many of them.  My mind was always buzzing with hope and possibilities.  And, I felt like I was losing my mind. 

I was self-aware enough to know that I was dangerously close to missing my life including raising my little boy (then, 2 years old.)  So, with the support and advice of Steve, my goals were to meet Gunnar’s needs and play with him and just generally enjoy him.  Because of Steve’s help and in spite of myself, Gunnar and I had a wonderful summer together with lots and lots of playing.  Even then, I knew this was a special time and I held on to the joy I had because of him and our family of 3.

When I look back now, it’s amazing to me that even though I felt totally crazy, I really didn’t realize I was so sad, mad, confused, and just generally distraught.  I knew I was wrestling with God about many things – questions I had asked before and found answers, but answers that were no longer sufficient.  At the time, I had no idea the extent of my distress.  I came face to face with this reality when, at the beginning of August 2008, a series of events collided and I fell apart.  Each event when considered individually was not particularly extraordinary or bothersome, but combined, I was left reeling.  The last phone call broke the proverbial camel’s back.

It was a Friday.  Steve was home from work to eat lunch with us.  Tears poured down my face, and without a word I moved away from the table, went to my room, got in bed, and pulled the covers over my head.  I stayed there for the next 3 hours only emerging because I had to pick up my mommy responsibilities.  After that, things were not better.  I had no new perspective.  I had no new purpose.  I had no new hope.  I didn’t understand this at the time, but what I had was resignation.  I was no longer seeking  to understand God.  I decided that Gunnar would probably not have the sister he so wanted.  I decided I would no longer hope to have a larger family.  I decided to no longer feel anything in regard to my heart which was sick with unmet desire.  So, brick by brick, the walls of anger and fear went up around my heart. 

But, my God was preparing a wrecking ball for these walls.