Fear Blocking the Path (#3 in a series)

by Heidi

Graceanna’s birthday is in 4 days!  I better hurry up and get to the good part.  We’re getting close!

I was up early on a Tuesday morning running through some thoughts about my participation in a drama at Moms & More* later that morning.  The big picture idea for the morning was Facing Your Fears.  My role was to stand on stage with several other girls and display my poster.  On one side of the poster was written our biggest fear, and the other side was a name of God or an attribute of God that we remember when that fear rears itself.  So, summoning all the courage I had, I decided to submit my true greatest fear for my poster.  “That I will never have another baby.”   On the other side was written, “Giver of all Good Gifts – even when I don’t get what I want.”  That last part was hard to write.  I knew it was true, but because of my perspective, I wasn’t experiencing that truth.   

I didn’t get to participate in Moms & More that day.  It was 7:00 am, Steve was already gone to a meeting, Gunnar was watching Curious George while eating a banana, and the phone rang.  I saw “Bethany” on the caller id and began to shake and tried not to throw up.  In those 4 seconds I couldn’t come up with a good reason they would call so early, except for the reason I had determined would never come. I was cynical by then.  Remember my feelings of defeat and resignation?  The voice on the other end was so happy and excited.  Janna greeted me with, “We have your daughter!”  My response.  “Oh.  Ok.”  Again, remember: angry, fearful, defeated, and now, shock.  She quickly told me that the waiting period was over and she was ours.  She gave all the pertinent information about our new daughter, and we were to come to the Bethany office at 10:00 to take her home.  

I immediately called Steve, and after his extreme shock and many clarifying questions, he finally came home.   By then, I was beginning to feel excited and yet still very cautious.  Why cautious?  I don’t know, but I had a feeling there was a “catch.”   Maybe she had a terminal condition and would only be with us a few years, or maybe the birth family had longer to change their mind, or maybe she was from Mars and the Martians were coming back to get her some day.  Crazy.  All of it!  Totally illogical!  Of course, if there was anything of this nature, Bethany would have told us on the front end.  Except maybe the Martian thing.  They might have left that part out of her history.

When Steve got home, I had him run up to the attic to get a few things: car seat, bassinet, bottles, boppy, clothes, and something pink!  We had nothing pink, or even yellow, in the house.  So, I grabbed a sweet green blanket my great aunt had knit for Gunnar.  Green would just have to do!  I also wanted to run by the baby store and pick up a few things: diapers, formula, and something pink!  It’s really hard to figure out what you need when you have less than 3 hours to call family, make arrangements for Gunnar, and some how try to get your head around the fact that you have a new baby, a girl baby, a dark brown baby, a baby you didn’t think you would ever get to have, a baby you have wanted for so long, a baby for the crib that was recently vacated by the now older brother, a baby for whom you need something pink!

While on the way to Bethany, my mind was nagging me about a dream I had shaken off in the shower just a few hours earlier.  In the dream, I was introducing our church friends to our precious, newly born, brown skinned, curly haired daughter.  I tell Steve about it, and he told me that just the night before, Gunnar told him he wanted a baby.  This isn’t surprising as Gunnar had wanted a baby for a really long time.  But, that night, he made it clear he wanted a girl baby.  Finally, all 3 of us arrive at the Bethany office.  The atmosphere was electric, and I again wanted to throw up from anxiety.  I remember being told everything Bethany knew about our baby’s birth family, delivery, and all they knew about her health.  I was listening, but really I was just wanting them to hurry up and get to the “catch.”  I finally asked something along the lines of, “What’s the catch?  Why do we get her?” 

I’m so sad that I missed so much of the joy that day had to offer because I was afraid.  And, I was afraid because I had been living focused on my “problems.”  After a healthy time of grief after loosing Garrison, I spent months focusing on what I wanted but did not have.  Moment by moment I questioned God’s intentions toward me.  Instead of embracing what I already knew to be true, I let my circumstances tell me of God’s character.  And, with no consideration for anyone but myself and my life, I was left to think God was not loving and did not give good gifts, at least not to me.  When I say “good gifts,”  I’m talking about good being defined by Him rather than me.  Even though it hurt like crazy to lose Garrison, it was good for us to have had him and the 5 days were a gift.  

And, we were just about to meet another good gift.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  
James 1:17


 *Bible study hosted at our church for young moms – members & non-members